Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken

*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]

My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.

Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.

when the doctor brings med students into your exam

toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets

I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.

Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.

When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.

“amateurs”

~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’

I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.

FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.

ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky

i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better

My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]

Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.

No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:

InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

Otters see a butterfly.