On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
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Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.