Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid

Her: what’s your favorite position

Me: devil’s advocate

Her: i meant sexual position

Me: but what if you didn’t

I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee

HER: what are you doing?

ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.

*12 hours later*

GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.

Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.

Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.

I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.

IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice

ME: I really don’t know what you want from me

kid: I feel funny, mom

mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school

Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.

chiropractor: so what can i help u with today

me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman

Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?

Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?

Me:

Host:

Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?

If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!

*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*

It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”

customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any

me: that’s how good they are

customer: the cage door is open

me: *looking around nervously* oh no

My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”

Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED

Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.

My favorite animal is fried chicken.

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own

[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.