Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO

I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me

One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day

[before calculus was invented]

me: I understand everything

How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?

Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.

[blind date]

HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart

ME {trying to impress her}: blood

Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.

[first day as a preschool teacher]

ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*

When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”

Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!

If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact

Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito

fellas is it cheating to call people by their names

If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”

*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet

me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here

London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse

Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….

A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids

The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.

[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”

gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home

Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”

And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.

Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?

Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really

Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please

King Solomon: *sweating*