[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
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boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
this country is so goddamn polarized
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.