[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
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Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up