[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
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Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.
And it’s about time.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head