[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
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If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:
Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
