[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
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What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
When they try to steal your moment.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look