[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
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Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Dudes named Chance never had one.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)