Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.

When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.

*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*

Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to

Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.

feetloaf

Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences

Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head

Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

scared to check what name she chose

I try

Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.

One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.

School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all

What color is math?

(after bedtime)

3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!

Me: go to sleep.

3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU

M: yes you can

3:NO I CAN’T

EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.

me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings

elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races

Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?

[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?

“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead

the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.

me: *comes down to grab some water*

mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?

mil: are they happy with you?

me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂

I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.

Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-

God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.

Worm: I mean that’s fair.

[Centipede crawls by]

Worm:

God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.

A choir of Spring onions

tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽‍♀️