Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

I was working in the yard.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.

I hit it with a shovel.

I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead

If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?

Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.

One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan

Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.

-Kids

[date]

Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…

*hands her paper*

Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.

Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.

Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s

I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.

buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue

My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.

Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….

Help end the violence!!!

Eat BACON!!

Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.

15: Ok

Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.

15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.

Me: can I get a Coke please

Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here

Me: how about a lemonade then

Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here

[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]

You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.

My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.

Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.

Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.

toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets

Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones

******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign

Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.

My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.

*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem

sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.