[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
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Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.
Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue