Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.

my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree

Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.

[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos

Moms. The original autocorrect.

woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?

Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.

Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?

My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute

When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”

we squint at the sun because it’s bright

we squint at people because they are not…

me: you wanna hot line bling?

date: what?

me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?

date: excuse me

me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!

H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.

If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.

the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray

A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.

ME: rock, paper, scissors

PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all

ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.

It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.

Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking

Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?

“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

[Therapy]

Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”

Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.

At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.

I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.