*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
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I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
The best shot in the history of golf
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*