*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
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There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
This is what makes twitter great
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.