Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”

REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)

Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson

Her: I don’t see color

Me: They make glasses for that now

Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.

If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.

Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong

Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!

Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…

Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”

Him:

Me: Go on…

[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?

Found a free bandaid at the pool.

Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.

At my interview

Him – what do you make at your current job?

Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments

ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”

*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*

[wife texts me from France]

“Really?”

Every work call, he judges.

I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend

Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂

I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe

You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?

“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”

Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems

Parish Council to all moorside residents –

Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.

I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.

PARKOUR

“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco