[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
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*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.