Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it

Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.

Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.

As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-

*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*

SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!

Judge- no, CREDIBLE!

Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL

Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.

If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.

Him: what are you thinking about?

Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?

Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?

My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”

The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.

I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.

A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.

*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?

Haha! 😂

A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.

Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday

Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-

I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.

ME: I lied in my interview.

BOSS: what was the lie?

ME: all lies. except about my aunt.

BOSS: she wants to party with me?

ME: big time.

Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.

I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do

Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.

“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”

Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.

Ugh

And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”

4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!

Me: Awwww, thank y—

4: It looks like a bug

Me:

[first date]

Him: I live with my mom.

Me: Living or dead?

Nobody:

The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse