Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.

Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.

I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.

I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.

Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.

Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.

Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire

Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?

I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.

Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim

A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.

never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*

“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”

– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered

Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.

I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.

Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now

Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”

Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”

Me: “A divorce lawyer.”

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids

Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward

*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*

Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.

Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.

Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.

Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.

Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.

Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.

Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?

Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*

Nick Fury: Holy shit!

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.

ME: Is this the “new normal”?

SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store

I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO