Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[blind date]

HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart

ME {trying to impress her}: blood

[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*

The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.

When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?

[hotel fire alarm]

M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?

H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.

M: impressive

Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.

I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.

look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.

It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.

my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does

* gets mugged *

“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”

[driving to occult ceremony]

“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”

[2 hours later]

[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER

I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.

I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable

Fortune Cookie:

You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.

I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

[sex]

GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out

Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry

I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you

Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.

Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.

Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?

Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes

Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round

Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!

I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own

The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.

I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.

What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?