Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.

Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years

me: you want to lose your mind?

BM: yes

me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children

BM: right

me: ah, I see the difficulty

Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?

My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas

*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*

Always look both ways before crossing a woman.

My husband is extra efficient.

He leaves cabinets open for next time.

Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.

Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.

prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”

Doctor: How did you get this black eye?

Me: Walked into a door

Doc: Really?

Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.

What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*

When I face a minor setback

*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

4: Mom can I have a snack?

Me: Yeah hang on

4: Did you mean yes?

Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool

“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”

Aliens: WHAT

So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer

Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️

Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*