Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.

Parents in the 80s:
Bye.

HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.

I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.

Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.

I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”

one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do

Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads

You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible

Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.

Help.

Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?

Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…

Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator

Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone

My phone: Yeah, you crack me up

Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

“Bro I hate my eyebrows”

“You serious bro?”

“I think they’re too big, bro”

“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”

“Bro :’)”

I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.

[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot

I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.

Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..

I hate myself

Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.

Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog

Finally!

GMO bananas: turn brown for what?

[first date]

him, a cop: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

😂🤣😂🤣

The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online

Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?

Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer