Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.

ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.

If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.

Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”

A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.

The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.

Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%

October 31

A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”

That seems sus.

Yes I’m the dude at the liquor store with a grocery cart but in my defense I do have 10 relatives coming over for dinner tomorrow

What about a To-Don’t List?

[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there

Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.

My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.

I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

Me: You want me to wear a rubber?

Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.

Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them

is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?

there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old

If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”

My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.

if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.

How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?

The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district

work smarter, not harder

Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.

Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive

I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.