@dafloydsta

[on a first date]

Me: So do you like puppies?

Her: Oh I love them

Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies

Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

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@sammyrhodes

You know what else looks like a ring and has lots of power over people? Donuts.

@HomeProbably

People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.

It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.

@LizerReal

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

@mommy_cusses

Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.

@SoVeryBritish

Neighbour chat:

“Alright?”
“Not bad, thanks, you?”
“Yeah not bad!”
“Haha, see you later!”

Then into the safety of your car, to wonder why you laughed so much for no reason

@SirEviscerate

The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.

@stevevsninjas

Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?

Like they do now… Holy shit.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!

@Tmoney68

How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”