[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
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You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Always…
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS