You know what else looks like a ring and has lots of power over people? Donuts.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
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People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
“Not bad, thanks, you?”
“Yeah not bad!”
“Haha, see you later!”
Then into the safety of your car, to wonder why you laughed so much for no reason
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”