Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Must you lick the knife?”

“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.

Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.

[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes

‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.

What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot

CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine

I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?

Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?

Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years

Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?

Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen

Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?

Me:

Her: when’s my birthday Kyle

Me:

Me: happy b-

Her: it was yesterday

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.

astronaut: houston we have a problem

houston: what is it?

astronaut: my wife left me

houston: we only deal with space problems

astronaut:

houston:

astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space

HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes

Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..

I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan

Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.

Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.

Them: your child is skipping a nap today.

Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you

I see that your IQ test came back negative.

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

“So how was your date?”

I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much

“That wasn’t a good idea”

Yeah well, hindsight is 1

[around a campfire]

Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?

Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…

[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys

pain

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.

I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.

I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!

Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*

my mom: WHAT THE HELL!