Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interview]

So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?

Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!

I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.

“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point

manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)

[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords

A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.

I call my period Shark week.

I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere

I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑

If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.

Oops I deleted….

“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”

~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.

When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.

We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off

– airlines airlining

the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO

I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.

Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.

‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.

My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree

[first date at restaurant]

Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.

“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow

My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.