[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
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DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.