[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
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Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
reminder
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.