Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”

The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.

Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.

“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on

i installed a ceiling fan in my room

According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.

Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline

Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he’s a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/

If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten

Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.

It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something

Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans

Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.

[God inventing pain]

God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.

Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?

God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not

*accidentally click on internet explorer*

Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-

[steps on scale]

Me *shrugs*: New year, more me

im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time

I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.

told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card

Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.

I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.

[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator

Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”

Me – *fast forwards to the end*

My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.

Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*

5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?

I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.

How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?

[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis