{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
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The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior