On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
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A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.