On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
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Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I’M CRYINGGG
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Home #decor warning.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
This could be us but you eatin’
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy