[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
You Might Also Like
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
So that’s what we looked like?
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Me when someone tries to get to know me
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.