[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
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HEYYYY MACARENA
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
@ candidates for local office
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.