[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
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Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.