[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
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My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price