[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
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I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Fight
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!