Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”

Trainer: what are your goals?

Me: to pet all the dogs

Trainer: no, fitness goals

Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs

all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot

Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!

– Nuns N’ Moses

(I’m so sorry)

3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!

Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower

Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest

Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.

me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you’re welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?

He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi

I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon

I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.

A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…

I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly

[God making spaghetti]

ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?

GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.

Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.

My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.

Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU

Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.

Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button

Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.

All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.

I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.

[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird

My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”

How’s your morning?

guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”

Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.