DON’T YOU LIKE ME! I WANNA MARRY YOU! WHY AM I IN THE TRUNK!
-and other things I hear from guys on first dates
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
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It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
DATE:[texting friend] he keeps comparing stuff to athletes
ME: *returning from bathroom* man they got the michael jordan of toilets in there
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*
“how’s everything tasting folks”
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
I really hope the Tesla board doesn’t force out Elon Musk because that it 100% how we get a Green Goblin scenario