if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
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I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Rio just listed a slightly used Olympic stadium on eBay.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”