@16bitbulbasaur

[on a movie date]

me: wanna kiss

date: no thanks

me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u

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@TinaraMinus10

DON’T YOU LIKE ME! I WANNA MARRY YOU! WHY AM I IN THE TRUNK!

-and other things I hear from guys on first dates

@difficultpatty

It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.

@Jake_Vig

HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?

ME: I don’t think that will fit me.

@TheBoydP

Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.

@NintenDom

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

@hippieswordfish

DATE:[texting friend] he keeps comparing stuff to athletes
ME: *returning from bathroom* man they got the michael jordan of toilets in there

@mom_tho

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

@le_buns

*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*

“how’s everything tasting folks”

@Mom_Overboard

I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.

*6 hours later*

S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*

@DanaSchwartzzz

I really hope the Tesla board doesn’t force out Elon Musk because that it 100% how we get a Green Goblin scenario