@16bitbulbasaur

[on a movie date]

me: wanna kiss

date: no thanks

me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u

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@dubstep4dads

if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

@PatsATweetin

YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”

@DammitLarry1

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

@trishm426

I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.

@TheCatWhisprer

Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]

@thesarahthing

“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”