[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
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Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.