On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
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Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
smh
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
the red hot silly peppers
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.