Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.

Ladies, if he:

– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteries

He’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.

Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.

How much more of this can I take?

* piles food on buffet plate *

May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*

[applies for name change]

June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*

[leaves the country]

Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.

Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

Huge if true.

This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood

Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.

Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.

The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.

* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *

My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season

doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …

Me: give it to me straight doc what is it

doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password

#growingpains

Me: wanna go cow tipping?

Other person: that sounds fun

*LATER*

Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy

“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn

Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs

Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk

*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”

OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.

co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]

Ref: Call it in the air..

*flips coin*

Me: A QUARTER.

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

them: ugh, could you be more annoying

me: oh god, yes

Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were