On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
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something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
ok hear me out: Luigiana
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”
In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.