Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

<gets on elevator >

Pushes all the buttons

Hugs everyone

Prays out loud that we’re not going to die

Gets off at the 2nd floor

Laughs

“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting

“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.

Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine

A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.

analogies are so stupid
“the same boiling water that hardens the egg softens the potato” I’m not an egg or a potato and I don’t know how this applies to me. I’m just trying to get laid

My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.

[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*

Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.

Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.

Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”

Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol

My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat

Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair

My cat: it’s perfect I love it

My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too

Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.

*spreads rose petals on the bed*

[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”

Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees

Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣

ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]

Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no

You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.

“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.

The IRS agents were not amused.

It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication

i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy