Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.

the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler

Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?

When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.

Urban Dictionary defines Heck:

Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.

Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*

There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.

Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..

Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.

Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this

The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”

i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process

[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here

My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.

I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”

[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.

I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.

My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!

There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.

Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most

[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything

Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?

man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop