Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I have a Black Belt

Her: Karate?

Me: Faux leather. 40”

the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”

Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.

if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE

How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river

In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.

I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…

and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”

[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]

Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?

Him: ya that’s fine!

*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*

Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe

When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”

If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.

Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)

I have so many questions.

Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.

Confused owl: What?!

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter

SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!

not seeing the problem

My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little

yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.

I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.

me: what’s your favorite part of fall?

4: jumping in piles of leaves

me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?

4: money

adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that

microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update

My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.

The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.

the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.