Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white

Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres

They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on

“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life

that de-escalated quickly

Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.

I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure

Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate

I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.

Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either

“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.

[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.

When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.

To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.

Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator

Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.

Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]

*breaks wind*

Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel

NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*

My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.

Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.

Wife: You should shake it out.

Me: Why would I want to do that?

If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.

Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.

Me: No, two of those are clean.