[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
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medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.