That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
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(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.