Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.

Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House

I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.

*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets

I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.

Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…

..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die

ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse

HER: how about we just shave your back instead

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

let the world know you’re kind of a big dill

operators are standing by to ignore your call

You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”

[Trapped on a Island]

*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”

*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.

ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—

FAMILY: We have a JET?!

ME: I meant—

FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?

ME:

FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?

ME: Yes, that is definitely the case

If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake

Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.

Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*

Me: I have a problem.

Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.

Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.

Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that

if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.

My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days

Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.

She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*

Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?