On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
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Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
We made a comic about a space heater.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.