Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: c’mon get back in the car

Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no

Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!

Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.

If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.

being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you

Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?

Me: Are you done cleaning?

7-year-old: No.

Me: So what should you be doing?

7: Hiding.

She cleans like me.

Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats

[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]

Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”

Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*

People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.

I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.

For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.

Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.

Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.

Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”

quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job

Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background

About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me

Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?

Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.

Very good! 👍😂

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference

Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.

When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.

They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.

I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.

Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.

There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.

I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.