Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

you come to me? on a friday at 4pm

teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.

Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes

[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]

Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton

Mob boss: Him too

When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost

Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—

oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶

me: aaaah… darn. darn it.

I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.

According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.

Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?

I never judge a book by its cover.

People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”

Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES

Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??

Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.

We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot

Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD

Me: omg okay

[45 minutes into our walk]

Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM

Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria

[getting pulled over]

Me: R u a bear cop?

Bear cop: Is that a problem?

Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop

*mauls me for bad pun*

“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.

[During quarantine]

Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.

Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?

I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it

Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.

I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.

You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.

4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.

Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.