On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.
Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
calling in to work dehydrated
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
