On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Finally, an explanation.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
