On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.

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Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were.


NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.


Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.

[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.


You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check


Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.


[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*


This bank pen tastes like it’s been in a lot of other people’s mouths


I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.