@Darlainky

On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.

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@wchoughton

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were.

@BriarSlyMalice

NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.

@CourtneyBale

Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.

[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.

@ilikeyouguys

You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check

@UnFitz

Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.

@SondraDeeMe

[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*

@IvyelleWright

This bank pen tastes like it’s been in a lot of other people’s mouths

@KentWGraham

I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.