@Darlainky

On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.

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@Jake_Vig

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.

@NoogsCorner

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.

@Lisabug74

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”

@Death_Buddy

rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight

@fishbowel

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it

@KaRaRacn75

Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.

@_UltimateTwit

Like most parents, my wife and I love to proudly watch our beautiful little daughter whilst she sleeps.

Freaks her husband out though.

@TrinaBadu

My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2018. Im already at $6.23

@SteveKoehler22

Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.

Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”

@zachreinert03

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties