On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
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When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
favorite tropes as memes
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
yeah not falling for this one
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*