On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
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My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
My 6yo said he loves me more than chores, so I’ve got that going for me
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.