On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
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Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Bro what is this
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”