Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.

Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.

Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?

PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.

Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”

Me: I think you’re sweet…

Her: …Awwww…

Me: …and will eventually kill me.

Him: do you believe in miracles?

Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?

Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—

Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so

I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image

DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*

I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that

FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.

FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.

FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.

I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.

Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”

Happy, happy holidays.

My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.

I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!

My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”

Me: “When can I start?”

Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.

The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*

young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam

distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him

Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /

It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…

yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away

*Does something bad*

Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*

Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.