Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Emergency Room]

MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?

DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy

Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip

I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.

I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.

This forever.

Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.

Therapist: …I gathered.

Me: [screams]

I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid

ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter

FRIEND: This is a shoe

ME: Omg I can’t believe it

Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use

CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”

Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”

CEO: “Yes.”

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.

BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep

tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear

I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100

left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it

This probably isn’t good

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!

Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea

hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws