Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.

“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.

It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.

He challenged me to eat just one chip.

So I had two. Dozen.

Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons

[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]

‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.

I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one

TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall

My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.

Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME

Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet

DAMMIT!

EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!

Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners

Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*

Me: here’s the thing Curp

Lowes employee: it’s Curt

Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are

Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.

In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!

In my 40s : uh oh

Who will tell him he’s not a dog !

I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.

What do you call a man with no car???

…an Uber.

me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*

I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.

one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun

Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths

Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.

Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?

Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help

If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.