[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
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Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree
Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Rare photo of two submarines racing
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance