Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.

Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*

Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit

How much for the sentient racist skeleton?

“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”

If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.

Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic

Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…

Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?

I used Michael Bay leaves.

I’ll leave.

*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*

🙏🏾

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything

There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s

I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.

Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.

Camping?
No thank you.

If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Meth is short for Elizameth.

Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?

He replied….chicken.

Thank god he is good looking.

Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?

Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together

Therapist: No

I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.

Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot

Making friends was so much easier as a kid.

5: This is the smallest finger I have.

Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!

Both: (giggle)

Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.

If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.

Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de

“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”

Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.

I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.

ㅤ

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.

I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.