Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM

You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.

HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.

Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer

3: for forever?! Yay!!

Me: for five more minutes

3: *bursts into tears*

*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*

Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.

Canadian winters be like:

Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.

I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.

11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.

Me: I can’t do anything right

Therapist: You’re in my chair

me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order

Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.

[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i… just… told you?

genie: are you sure?

me: just do it

*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*

AM I BEING GASLIT????

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist

parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it

About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud

Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.

i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles

Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation