Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*

[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?

Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…

If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?

Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*

Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.

Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa

Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.

In the Target toy aisles-

“No, please put that back”

“I said we aren’t buying anything today”

“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”

– and that’s just me to my husband

Hang in there buddy

Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)

i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”

Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.

My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

seems fine

My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.

M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.

H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.

M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.

When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.

Interior design 👌

home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving

The Internet is good for two things

1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes

Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs

he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus

I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles

My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?