Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN

son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG

dad: omg [sheds a tear]

Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.

My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process

“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”

[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician

FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.

It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers

Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.

I like it thick and deep

Pizza

I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”

I never over sleep in the mornings

I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail

Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.

I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.

“Pease porridge hot”
Sure.

“Pease porridge cold”
Less desirable, but I guess.

“Pease porridge in the pot nine days old”
Ok, now this is just starting to sound like a health code violation

Costume idea:

Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.

Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.

[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*

a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.

Copy Editor is a rewording career.

I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.

That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.

You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.

Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.

True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.

[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?

“You do the math”

look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat

babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me

me: are there really aliens at area 51

pentagon official: that’s confidential

me: then how’d i hear about it