on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
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SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
I don’t care if they ban TikTok I still love Ke$ha.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE