Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[working in garage]

“Hand me a screwdriver, son”

A flat one?

“No”

[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure

i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school

When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.

Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?

Priest: Absolutely not

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?

HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!

FOR SALE: air guitar, never played

My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.

An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.

Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you

Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.

SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York

ME: It’s The Hudson

HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.

WIFE: Oh ffs

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it

Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive

UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP

*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*

My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.

Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”

[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]

“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”

I could win awards for having a bad memory.

In fact, I probably did. How would I know.

TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍

Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.