On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
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[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Jogging
someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now