On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
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<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Me redecorating every room in my mind
[eats all your cotton candy]
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.