Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*learns about complementary colors*

in my head:

red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys

I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.

[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.

Captain: relax, it’s just a title

Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?

Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.

ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner

ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive

[at my funeral]

boss : you’re LATE

Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.

Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”

The Salad:

To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.

Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.

Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?

The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.

friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?

me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up

“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do

“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.

Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?

*Christmas with The Schrödingers

Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?

*His family smiles nervously at each other

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.

wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard

WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait

Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.

He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.