On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
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Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!