On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
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If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?