On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
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To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
When I was in elementary school, I won first place in three years of science fairs. When my daughter was in elementary school, I also won first place in three science fairs.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Succinctly put.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.