On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
You Might Also Like
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Voodoo map
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.